As the adult children of aging parents, you may be hyper-alert to your parents' physical and mental health. In-person visits are opportunities to assess your loved ones and to pick up on signals of cognitive decline.
Benevolent probing is a simple way for adult children to assess their loved one's needs from a distance. This tactic combines careful observation and considerate conversation to gauge a loved one's health and wellness in a respectful, non-threatening way. It is common for the aged population to strongly guard their independence and feel threatened and afraid when topics arise that risk the lifestyle they are used to and comfortable living.
"Be aware of signs of memory loss by asking simple questions."
Benevolent probing is a way to minimize the feeling of threat for your loved ones and make it possible for adult children to accurately assess how their parents are doing.
Benevolent Probing Areas for Discussion
Activities of Daily Living
Without in-person visits, you may feel that you miss out on opportunities to assess your loved one’s ability to care for themselves or perform daily tasks like personal hygiene, house cleaning, cooking/eating, and taking medication. From a distance, you can use video calls to help assess how they are doing without sounding like you are prying.
- Gauge your loved one’s personal hygiene on the call. Are they struggling with shaving, weight, dressing, bathing, etc.?
- Ask for a house tour to see decorations. (Through the tour, you can easily watch for signs of declining health in the form of clutter, hoarding, lack of traditional decorations/cleaning behaviors, etc.)
- Prescription medications can be checked if it can be worked into the conversation. If health is brought up and you can get them to show you their prescription bottles, you can bring into the conversation of dosages, how the prescriptions make them feel, expiration dates on the bottles, etc.
Memory loss is easier to gauge on phone calls and video calls. Be aware of signs of memory loss by asking simple questions. What did they do last weekend? When was the last time they spoke to another family member? Signals of memory loss can include short and simple answers to your questions like “Uh-huh,” “Yeah,” and “Hmmm,” or them repeating themselves.
Even on phone calls, you can assess your loved one’s mobility. But video calls can achieve more in this area. Pay attention to cues of difficulty in mobility. Does your loved one talk about bruises, tripping, falling, or getting injured in other ways? Do they mention struggling with walking? Do they make elaborate sounds while moving that indicate pain or difficulty? Do they mention dings/scratches on the car or car accidents? If you are on a video call, pay attention to their movements and balance.
If your once social and perky loved one suddenly seems uninterested in social activities, this could indicate depression, which raises concerns about their overall health. Depression can impact cognitive function and daily living activities, which are very important to the overall health and wellness of seniors. Ask questions about social activities. Many social activities remain canceled due to COVID-19, so offer alternatives to in-person activities. Online church groups or social hangouts are great alternatives. Virtually any type of class is available online and you can even take live tours and shopping experiences of places around the world. Perhaps your loved one just needs a ride or a companion to participate in an activity.
If you notice anything concerning, write it down, discuss it with siblings and take some time to think about how to approach the situation. Don’t react right away. You may need time to make a plan.
Remember that there are amazing resources for senior care that allow your loved ones to remain independent while still receiving care, support, and companionship. SYNERGY HomeCare is committed to providing the support and resources that seniors need, plus extra care around the holidays. We strongly encourage adult children to use benevolent probing as a tool of care and to lay some worries to rest – or to help create a plan for their loved ones that will meet their individual needs.